I put in my first chest drain the other day. It was awesome, terrifying and gross all at the same time. Never did I think I would be asked

“Did you feel the lung?”

My reply was a firm

“I have no idea, I’ve never felt one before!”

Getting to learn/practice a new skill came at exactly the right time. Work is so busy, every day the same, a constant influx of patients with an array of presentations. I’ve spent a lot of time in the major and minor areas recently. I find these the most challenging areas, patients rarely need ‘exciting interventions’ instead they require lots reading of numerous clinic letters and medication reviews. I hate myself for writing that. I’m not one of those ED people that craves to be in resus but there is a definite satisfaction of be able to fix a problem quickly and efficiently. Respiratory distress, pneumothorax, chest drain inserted, swinging, bubbling and breathe. Problem solved patient referred and on to the next patient.

That week I had not seen anything that I felt I could fix. Every presentation seemed to be something I’d never seen before, nothing was straightforward. I got sent to see a history of cough for 3 weeks with haemoptysis. I can deal with this how hard can it be. I know numerous reasons for haemoptysis. This was my first error.

Never think you know how the consultation is going to go. On taking the history I realised I was yet again seeing something I’d never come across before. The patient had a rare autoimmune disorder which had given him an array of complications over the years. I went through the process of investigating cough and haemoptysis. The chest X ray was abnormal and difficult to interpret due to previous lung disease. I went to speak to my consultant. We looked at the X ray and I was advised to ring respiratory see if they will have a look. I hate ringing people, I struggle to order takeaway if its not online, it’s a fear of saying something stupid which I feel I do quite often. I was brave and made the call. The respiratory consultant was pleasant, went though the X Ray they agreed with my concerns and we had a discussion. Their evaluation of the x ray was obviously a lot more in-depth than mine but I don’t think I said anything stupid which was a bonus. I was given a plan and that was that. I put down the phone and an overwhelming sense of disappointment washed over me.

I felt like I should have better clinical knowledge. Like I should have heard of the rare auto immune disease and the antibiotic regime required. I spoke to my consultants about this as they could see I looked a little glum and I said I think I need to go and specialise in one particular thing. When asked why my reasoning was that I just don’t feel like I have enough space in my brain for everything you need to know to be a generalist. It’s not because I think that working in respiratory would be easy but at least your patients all concentrate around one system then at least I could just focus on that. In the ED patient’s aren’t always that straightforward and I think that’s what the issue was. We had a good chat about the good points about generalist speciality and that its important to talk when your feeling a bit stumped and that there is not always a quick fix option like a chest drain.

MJ

It’s been a little while hasn’t it.

I saw a book the other day whilst wandering through the supermarket. It was all about a newly qualified ACP and their experiences during the pandemic. All I could think was how have they had time to write a book during all this.

Back in March it was all very worrying. Harrowing reports from across Europe were all we had to think about to try and prepare. Prepare we did and the wave came. Days and weeks went by and whilst it was not a pleasant experience it wasn’t as exhausting as I had expected. I could tell you about the hideous phone calls, difficult decisions and generally sad stories but I’m sure there will be many a book about it in the future.

Instead I’ll concentrate on the reality I experienced then and what I am experiencing now.

Back then I had literally just qualified, returned from the other side of the world straight into lots of noise and confusion. I found the best way was to keep my head down and just get on with it. As a team on the whole I think we remained quite up beat. The PPE was incredibly sweaty but that didn’t stop me and one of the nurses dancing around whilst decontaminating the hot zone one day. It wasn’t the best experience but if I could swap it for what I have experienced this last couple of weeks I would do. It was all new back then people took it really seriously and when it came to pass we knew that wouldn’t be the end but figured we will have learned from this.

Everyone expected the second wave to hit in the summer. VE Day celebrations, mass protests and the well thought out government strategy ‘eat out to help out’. I am not saying the government plan to give restaurants a helping hand was a bad idea but the fact they limited it to 3 days a week encouraging masses of people to cram in to places 3 days a week throughout August just seemed a bit bizarre. But anyway returning to school appears to have been the final straw and here we are again.

It’s definitely different this time. The hospital is busy. Already full of sick people, trauma patients and those that are unable to get an appointment with their GP. It almost seemed like overnight we went from the odd respiratory standby to admission after admission of shortness of breath with a new oxygen requirement.

My favourite lie that Boris told the public that enforcing a second lockdown was to ensure hospitals aren’t overwhelmed. Bit late for that Bojo. The papers don’t tell you of the patients back on the corridors extended ED stays waiting for beds because all the side rooms are taken with COVID or suspected covid patients. ICU is getting full again. Maybe it’s different down south.

I figured that there would have been a plan for the second wave. Like with any major incident something bad happens people descend on the department and help fix it. Having sat in a meeting with the people that we call on to help it would appear that they are at a bit of a loss of what to do about it all. I can’t say I am annoyed with them more that I am disappointed at the lack of a plan. They don’t really have any solutions but thank us for raising our concerns they will see what they can do…

This past couple of weeks have bothered me. I look at my colleagues and like me they are tired. Doesn’t help that a lot of them have ended up with covid so I’m sure that has added to their tiredness but anyway my point is we aren’t the chipper team we were back then.

A good friend said to me they would be handing their notice in if things continued as by working in the conditions we are in we are almost affirming that its ok to nurse people in corridors and that its ok that we have gone back to these unsafe practices. This made me really sad. I don’t think what’s happened over the last couple of weeks is ok. It’s awful. Not just for patients but for staff too. There is no one to blame for this. Essentially we have been under funded and under resourced for years. Winter pressures have been consistently building year upon year so it is no wonder that this winter maybe the one that breaks even the most hardy ED staff.

So what do we do. Well there are a couple of choices;

1) run away and don’t look back, find a career somewhere else that has escaped the financial black hole covid has caused.

or

2) just survive somehow.

I’m worried. I don’t know how this year is going to end. It’s been a bit of a shitter to say the least. As always I do try to look for the positives and I like to draw comparisons to films so I will liken this year to a disaster/horror movie plot. For example; starts with something to get your attention has a slight lull to get you attached to the main characters something bad happens. Then you start to think right that’s done now nothing bad can happen, then something even worse happens before everything somehow turns out ok.

I think its following the trend so far…

Started off with a volcanic eruption and biblical fires

mellowed out a little

covid swept its way throughout the world

things seemed to mellow out a little bit whilst America got its own sub plot

Covid strikes again America is on tenterhooks to see if Biden can win against he who shall not be named…

So here’s hoping the end is in sight and as long as it not a Japanese horror film plot.

Stay safe

MJ xoxo

I keep trying to write this and for some reason the words just wont come out right. I’ve had a difficult couple of weeks. I miss being able to do all the things I took for granted. I miss going on walks that don’t start from my house. I miss planing holidays, get togethers and the gym. All these things helped me relax and I didn’t realise how much taking them away would affect my mental health. With an enforced lockdown my main activity is work and when things aren’t so great at work things all got a bit dark and dismal. I’ve had a few issues that I think normally I’d be able to just talk through over a brew or would just pale into insignificance when I’ve spent sometime away from spend sometime healthcare people. These things help me to forget about dickish behaviour and politics but I can’t do these things any more which has lead to over thinking absolutely everything internalising it all and deciding I’m failing at life. Accompanied with some added guilt that my problems in the grand scheme of things are relatively low on a severity scale but it this current climate seem to be amplified ten fold.

I realise that I am not failing at life but just recently I cannot help but let my mind wander to these dark and twisty places. I have found that the dark can be quite comforting like being in the presence of an old friend. I try and heed the warning set out in The Never Ending story and poor Artax drowning in the swamp of sadness. It is tempting to wallow but it is not a good place to dwell.

This last week I was finding that very difficult. People have been lovely asking what was the matter, offering help but I was really struggling to leave my dark and swampy mindset. I thought about listing all the things that had contributed to how I was feeling but it wasn’t one particular incident more of a cumulation of events that left me feeling blue. I feel so isolated and removed from my normal life. A lifestyle that actually wasn’t too dissimilar to lockdown life, I was never a social butterfly, but I had options. The lack of freedom to chose how to spend time. I am either at home or at work. I don’t know when it will be possible to plan travel, nights away and fun with friends.

What is there to look forward to in lockdown? Another local walk, a trip to the supermarket hoping this time they have flour?!

Video calls just aren’t the same and I’d give anything to be able to hug my best friend we are like sisters. Talk every day. See each other every 2 weeks or we used to. She’s had an awfully tough time of late and I worry about her. Talking things through over the phone just isn’t the same. In pre-Covid times if either of us were had a problem we’d have a scale of activity to help sort it out. Most things could be rectified with a cup of tea, although she drinks coffee, and cake. Other issues may require a day spa, alcohol or both.

There has been much speculation about when and how we are going to be allowed to socialise again but this is likely to be a long and drawn out process. Having very little idea how we are going to emerge from lockdown just added to the darkness I had made a home in.

At the weekend I decided to take my rain clouds for a run so put on some angry music and off I went. It was hard, felt like I was running through mud and half way round a bird pooped on my head. It was in my hair on my forehead and down my vest.

‘For Fucks Sake!’

At the same time I smiled and chuckle to myself. It was pretty funny really.

I could feel my mood change. It wasn’t that I had suddenly forgot my troubles and got happy. I had just in that moment changed focus. All the things I was worried about and were playing on my mind were still there but I had stepped away from them.

I changed my music pressed shuffle and went from Eminem to Disney. Cheery music to help me run home, ironically the song that played had Celine Dion cheerily explaining how bad times are a part of life and you need them to make it complete. Darkness is always there, you can’t hide from it. This is not a new theme for Disney and is a message carried forward in most of its films. The clearest example I can think of is Inside Out, with it’s take home message that joy and sadness coexist amongst an array of emotions and it is impossible to maintain balance with only one of the two.

I took from this train of thought that I should make an extra effort to find the good things in each day however small. I am feeling more positive and although I recognise that looking a good stuff doesn’t make the bad stuff go away it makes dealing with it a little easier.

MJ x

This past week has been quite a sociable one. We’ve been having virtual meetings at work for a few weeks now and I really do find them quite awkward if I’m honest. The sound is never quite right and I often catch a glimpse of myself looking overly bored on the camera. This is not always intentional but as the web cam seems to emphasise my double chin it does this to my expressions too. I was lucky today as my dog decided to join me for part of the meeting and added intermittent howls, adding to my ever so professional image.

Work is definitely picking up after the government and mass media encouragement for getting people to re engage with healthcare. Presidents and Chief Medical Execs from around the UK are on TV almost pleading with people to return to the Emergency Department. I’m not quite sure this was/is particularly necessary. Hopefully some of the new ways of working we have adopted will continue which will help ease the strain as the masses return.

There’s been a lot of chat about social media, mainly staff not doing very much other than eating donuts, lording about and making silly dance videos. Is it unprofessional? How can health professionals advertise themselves eating such unhealthy foods not very good for our image now is it!! I really enjoy a good donut and have given no care for anyone who has a problem with me eating them. I have not posted an image of myself eating one at work mainly because I’m too busy eating it.

I also like social media. It is at times massively annoying however I do think some people need to calm down about it. So what if some medical team makes a 10 second dance video. It’s all about context isn’t it. It’s most likely that these videos are made during down time and what’s wrong with having a bit of fun at work. No one seemed to be that bothered when these videos were being made before and this is mainly because the mass media wasn’t focussing on them and using them as a weapon against health care staff. The Daily Fail had a particularly lovely headline over the last week, something along the lines of ‘Healthcare workers make dance videos whilst cancer patients die at home.’

I can only talk about where I work but the emergency department is a really difficult place to work physically and emotionally draining. Something that the trust I work for is taking seriously and we currently have a clinical psychology team working with us to help try and look after our mental well being which is progress. I guess for a lot of people social media is an outlet and if putting together a 10 second dance routine creates a bit of positive energy around the place then why not. If its’ a quiet moment why can’t make the most of it and enjoy a bit of team building.

I can’t argue that a lot of things on social media whatever the platform are just exceedingly cringeworthy that I actually cant believe its been put out there. I am not really a fan of the endless PPE photos out there. I have taken photos of myself on PPE as a record for myself and to send to my friends family who I ask what is it like what do I have to wear. People use social media differently and some people like to put everything on there and others are more selective doesn’t necessarily make one better than the other. It’s just personal preference. There are two sorts of cringe categories that I really struggle to deal with, the people who are overly unprofessional and those who try to be overly professional. I think the latter annoys me most especially when you read quotes like .

‘I’m so upset to see colleagues using social media we are healthcare professionals and this needs to stop, this is our job and this kind of behaviour is inappropriate’

I’m always left think who died and made you in charge of what gets put up there. It’s as though people forget there is an unfollow option on all platforms. There is also the option to not use social media at all. My advice is just be slightly mindful about what you put up and who can view it. People get offended by most things in these oversensitive times but generally if your message is positive and doesn’t breach any employment rules or confidentially you should be just fine.

Without social media I would have really struggled. The internet has allowed me to keep in touch with friends and family, it’s somewhere I can post my photos or sketches to brighten peoples days. My twitter account is largely work based, the covid twitter takeover all got a bit much so I’ve started follow more art accounts. My instagram a big mix of friends, memes and random celebrities I definitely keep that as non work as possible.

Social media is a good thing. Yes it’s annoying but the humour, creativity and positive messages I have seen during this time have been very uplifting and cheery. If you don’t like what’s on your social media change the people you are following, if you need a break from it turn it off. People all have different ways of coping and sometimes dancing about and being silly is the only way.

Always be kind and stay away from shade.

MJ x

Is a parade too much to ask for?

COVID-19 has been around for a while now, lockdown life is becoming the new norm with ‘at least’ another 3 weeks of staying home and social isolation ahead. Work has been ok really nothing like the winter/year long pressures that we are so use to in the ED. The patients that we are seeing are fewer but with some really very poorly people attending. Most of those have had COVID-19 but over the last week normal presentations have started to come back which I’m kind of pleased about.

It’s been such an odd time to be newly qualified. People are vey much distracted at the moment and I sort of feel a bit out there on my own. I don’t really know what I expected to happen when I qualified maybe some balloons, a banner, small parade or something. (JOKING, obviously).

I’ve seen a good mix of patients some major trauma, even one that no one noticed which would make a good case based discussion on decision making bias. This patient was both a medical and trauma patient all in one which was interesting. I do like medicine, I wonder if I should maybe go and work there for a bit. ED life is hard sometimes and the ED ACP life feels a bit lonely. Not a doctor no longer a nurse. Meetings are difficult as where do you sit, clinical side or nursing side? The age old hierarchy comes into play far to often for my liking.

When I referred my trauma patient to the spinal team, they were more agreeable than usual. I put this down to my blue scrubs and surgical cap. I think they thought I was a surgeon initially but once engaged it was too late for them to refuse. There was lots of MDT conversations for that patient which all went quite well. For someone who doesn’t like talking to people due to fear of making themselves looking like a complete idiot, I saw this as a win.

Hierarchy is really interesting the moment as its been flattened slightly. We all mainly wear blue scrubs now so it’s difficult to differentiate who people are if you’re not already one of us or new. I was amused when one of the new nurses started to give one of the consultants advice on how to get blood from a cannula the other day. The consultant’s reaction was mildly sarcastic to say the least but he took it well. I wondered if the advice would’ve been offered if we were back in our normal uniforms.

PPE sagas rumble on. I said I wasn’t going to talk about it. I just cant get my head round how often it changes. I suppose it has improved now from hour by hour changes to shift by shift. My favourite thing was the visors vs goggles.

‘Goggles are better than the visors, visors are too restrictive and are annoying.’

This was one of the many statements that baffled me …

A visor covers the entire face and therefore much more protective. This is especially relevant now given the official guidance tells use these amazing new 3m masks, which lots people swapped to from other masks, now need to be shrouded so would need a surgical mask on top. The PPE situation is far from ideal. I truly believe it changes all the time because we just don’t have enough to go round. I feel slightly better now as officials have actually admitted this now. That’s all I have to say about that.

The COVID-19 patients have been difficult. Some say working in the ‘hot’ zone is relatively easy. Just like a treadmill. Everyone is just the same. They are all individual and can have both COVID-19 and other pathologies that need treating. It hard when they are sick and the longer this has gone on the feeling of knowing that some of these people are never going to see their relatives again is devastating really. I know why we have stopped visiting in hospitals but still it just feels wrong. Especially when you can’t help but foresee a poor outcome. I’ve managed a few really sick patients had discussions with ICU who have been really good. I just wish there was more we could do. I like it when my patient’s have had something else plus COVID-19 as I feel like I’m actually able to do something for them then. For example the >90 year old patient with urosepsis plus COVID-19. This patient was from a nursing home, high frailty score and absolutely not a candidate for ICU. Treated him with the trusty sepsis bundle and he went to the ward and a couple of weeks later off he went back to his care home. This is a much nicer patient journey that the others I have followed. The patients that I have seen with COVID-19 so far have been a mixed bag. Some not needing admission and their diagnosis found incidentally, some well just didn’t do very well at all and have passed on.

I think I’m doing ok at his ACP thing I find I’ve got a lot more time to read up on my different cases and work life balance is much better than it was during the MsC. Lockdown is helping with that as I have more time at home now. I’ve started drawing again just for fun, not work related which is relaxing. Exercise is hard away from the gym. I miss going to that space, being licked to death by my dog during a plank isn’t the most relaxing of experiences. I also miss friends terribly we see a lot of each other normally. Everyone is in the same boat with that I guess, but it is very hard.

Bit of a jumbled rambling there, thanks for reading if you made it to the end.

Hope you are all staying safe

MJ x

A week ago I started wearing a surgical cap whilst in the department. I have floppy hair and a fringe that is always in my eyes, when I’m nervous I twiddle strands and randomly start to plait it. I start every shift with it tied back but its not long before it falls out. In normal circumstances I just accept it getting in the way but with Covid-19 hanging about I felt it best to keep it contained and out of the way which makes me feel better. Some people have found this highly amusing and some think I’m being ridiculous.

There is a film called signs by M. Night Shyamalan. Brilliant film about an alien invasion. In it one of the character’s laughs at some people on the news wearing tin foil hats to help protect them from the aliens. As the situation escalates the whole family decides to start wearing the tin foil hats … just in case

I don’t feel I’m being ridiculous. Life is strange at the moment and my hat makes me feel better about it.

This time does feel very surreal. Radio and television news reports sound like the beginning of a George A Romero movie. Just like in the movies a crisis shows an individual’s true nature. I have learnt over time and endless reflection of previous times of crisis, that they way people react isn’t personal it is simply their way of coping.

Some people like to make a lot of noise and be at the front. They take control of the situation but with a blinkered perspective leaving them blind to the chaos and dangers that fall outside of their visual field. By ignoring the peripheries they keep their focus firmly on what lies ahead and wait for it to come. Feeling fully prepared for battle ready to take it head on. Looking forward to being able to regale their tales of success to anyone who will listen once the crisis has passed.

I am not one of these people and I am not alone. Humans have an amazing ability to do good in this and I am fortunate to work with some excellent examples of human beings. They are my colleagues but are also my friends. It’s been strange at work lots of planning for all the ‘when’ and ‘what ifs’. Anxiety appears to have lessened which is nice, however a nervous energy lingers in the air. I feel like I’m in a film and any minute now someone’s going to shout ‘action.’ We know London has been hit hard and we are just waiting for it to come.

It has got busier in work with more and more cases. I’m finding clinical decision making difficult I am worrying about missing something obvious. Like a pneumonia or a PE! Many of these patients have multiple co-morbidities and I feel very strongly about the fact that whilst these patients may not get a bed on ICU they still require us to practice medicine. We need to be able to make them comfortable and optimise their care. It is possible to have Covid-19 and something else wrong with you. Whilst we cannot fix Covid-19 we can still attempt to treat other things. I am not alone in this avenue of thought there are many who think like this which is good. There are some very tough times ahead I worry for those with the blinkered vision, focused solely on Covid-19. They are in for a very big shock. I have raised my concerns but whether they have heard I do not know. I do know there are definitely more people wearing hats.

One of my consultants told me about fisherman he spoke to when he went to Sri Lanka after the tsunami in 2004 and how he would never forget what he said.

‘I was in my boat in the ocean, next thing I was on the sand. I ran and I ran, as far inland as I could. I shouted for others to follow me but they didn’t come.’

MJ x

Five weeks ago I was sat on a rock in New Zealand feeling the relief of receiving exam results. I’ve passed my Advanced Practice MsC.

There were rumblings of a mystery disease called coronavirus, it was affecting the elderly in China and slowly spreading throughout the east.

I will be really honest, at that point in time, I had very little respect for this virus. I felt it was being sensationalised in the media. I don’t think that anymore. I don’t have anything clever to say about what’s happening right now just a few observations that are my own opinions. I thought carefully about whether I should write about this but in all honesty I’m struggling to make sense of all that is going on right now and this feels like the right thing to do.

I have been reading about this COVID-19 and found myself on the WHO website which explained the specific nomenclature or name.

Disease

Corona Virus disease COVID-19

Virus

Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome CoronaVirus 2 SARS-CoV-2

On reading a little more, the website explained that they have avoided referring to the virus as SARS-CoV-2 this is the reasoning behind it…

“From a risk communications perspective, using the name SARS can have unintended consequences in terms of creating unnecessary fear for some populations, especially in Asia which was worst affected by the SARS outbreak in 2003. 

For that reason and others, WHO has begun referring to the virus as “the virus responsible for COVID-19” or “the COVID-19 virus” when communicating with the public.  Neither of these designations are intended as replacements for the official name of the virus as agreed by the ICTV.”

So using the name SARS can have unintended consequences in creating unnecessary fearI cannot help but find the reasoning here mildly amusing as the entire world sits gripped in a sense of fear and anxiety. Not if but when will I be affected by COVID-19.

As you may or may not know I work in an Emergency Department in the UK. I am quite certain that I am not alone in the anxieties I harbour about what is coming. Having returned form my travels I was attempting to get used to being qualified, no longer able to hide behind the title of Trainee. I am lucky to work with a supportive team but found myself doubting my every decision. I have been reassured that this is completely normal on qualifying.

What is not completely normal is the rapidly evolving situation that I have now found myself in.

How do you cope with normal post qualifying anxiety coupled with COVID-19 anxiety?

I don’t know is the honest answer. This last 2 weeks have been rubbish I am worried about my family and friends. I’m worried about my colleagues and my patients.

What has helped is the usual things that reduce anxiety but mainly reminding myself to rationalise my thought processes. The main message being that whilst COVID-19 can be devastating for some, for most it will pass without causing significant illness. I limit my time looking at social media and news and try to look only at specific web resources for information.

I am finding work difficult it is a very fluid situation that no-one has ever experienced before which naturally lends itself to a tense environment. PPE and isolation/cohorting of areas are commonly subjects of great debate and I cannot be bothered to get involved in. In these unprecedented times we have very few options. We can only follow what our leaders give us and have to trust that they are making the right decisions. I know what I have read and I will leave it at that.

I do worry about clinical decision making, access to resources ad wound what the psychological impact will be when we reflect on this.

I’ve decided to keep this as a kind of diary for now. I’ll write about how I am coping as a human and as a newly qualified ACP in emergency medicine (or ITU or respiratory depends if I get redeployed as the situation evolves!) I am very much hoping to stay put so fingers crossed with that.

My anxiety has eased a lot over the past few days and have I gained some much needed clarity.

I continue to keep myself as up to date with current guidance regarding management of COVID-19 alongside the continuous learning that occurs when working in the emergency department. That reads unintentionally like an extract from a CV!?!

I feel like I’m tired and its not even started.

I am thankful to still be in full time work but am envious of those who are able to work from home.

I know I am not alone in how I feel and I think this fear of the unknown adds to tensions felt in meetings and in the work place.

As the darkness starts to creep in I find solace in looking for the light. It is still there and in a time of complete uncertainty shines brighter than ever.

Stay well

MJ x

Feels a bit strange as always today. I’m not a massive fan of bringing in the new year and this has been made worse when I discovered the Jools Holland New Year’s Eve show is recorded months in advance.

Today has been spent in the ED as my last ever shift as a Sister. I start on the ACP rota Monday. Feeling a little sad to be honest. I can honestly say I’ve loved being an ED nurse and learnt so very much. It’s not an easy place to work and it took me a long time to get where I am now almost 12 years. Which when I look back at where I started seems a complete life time ago.

In a recent conversation with a good friend of mine we had a moment of discussing what life was going to be like post MSc. Clinical reasoning passed the final hurdle of the portfolio is all that remains. All work due in t-minus 15days. My friend and I have invented a makeshift advent calendar for the countdown, a meme a day which is proving very entertaining.

Truthfully, I don’t know what life will be like. I keep thinking it’s going to be nice to have my head back again but then I am a little apprehensive to whether the person I was 2 years ago is still in there? I think she is despite being pushed and shoved through a variety of flaming, movable hoops of various size. Putting together my portfolio I can see how my work reflects less and less of me the more I try to conform to what I think is expected of me. So I took my supervisors advice and have attempted to put more of me back into it. Hopefully she’ll like it!

This last year especially has taken me to some quite dark places and I’m hoping I won’t have to revisit them anytime soon. I knew this course would be stressful but I didn’t really prepare for various life events to occur at the same time. I’ve blamed everything on university including my appendicitis. To be fair my symptoms got a lot worse post practicing for abdo osces. I will say it was a bit naive on my part to blame everything on university. 2 years is a very long time and lots can happen regardless of attempts to complete an MSc.

Losing my best friend took me to my lowest point. And I miss her so much everyday. My daemon spirit guide. I am so thankful for all the years we had.

Anyways onwards and upwards. Positives are this next year I will have time to reacquaint myself with my brain and see if it still works. I have some exciting creative projects in the pipeline. A new furry friend has come along. Who is quite possibly one of the naughtiest beings I have ever met but has a very specific charm that melts your heart. I mean look at that face.

I can’t say I’m looking forward to the future as the anxiety of final hand in and results day is ever present, but I know that the future is there and for now that’s good enough.

Thank you to those who keep me sane.

Stay safe and all the best for this new decade

And remember

Always be yourself as everyone else is taken.

MJ x